If You get to the Train Alive, You Can Enjoy Milan

Mozzate, Lombardy, Italy  

Holy fuck, there’s like 5 inches of space between cars whipping by, and ME! mozzate death defying walk to the train
When Google maps said “use caution when walking” in their list of directions to places in Milan, I had no idea what a white knuckle–fear of being hit by a bread delivery truck– walk to the train stazione’ this would be.

Italy may have an abundance of ass washing gear (bidets, little bottles of butt soap and towels) but they’re totally short on sidewalks…and room on the roads for pedestrians. Holy fuck, there’s like 5 inches of space between cars whipping by, and ME! Its only few blocks stretch to the Mozatte train station going to Cadorna, But omigod…I get heart palpitations every time I hear a string of traffic approaching. Cars speed by so close you can smell the driver’s cigarette and cappuccino breath as you imagine being crushed to death. My knees are getting weak as I wonder how many more blocks I have to “walk with caution” –and will my body be a bloody roadside pomadoro on the first day of my vacation!

Finally, after I get to the station safely, and roll pleasantly into Milan where all the cool stuff is, I realize that Milan is a fun, chill place that’s easy on the eyes. Its a visual buffet of diverse architecture, colors, food, fashion and well put together people. Everyone of all ages, even senior aged people look clean, slender and stylish. Wearing  cheap, shitty eyewear is probably illegal in this city. Milanos wear cool glasses. If you see anyone who looks like a slob, they’re definielty NOT from Milan. And of course be assured that Milanos not only dress better than you–their asses are cleaner than yours too. If they should pass gas…it just might smell like Gucci.
I’m not sure why such a huge Italian city is so clean and quiet and stylish. Maybe because it’s heavily guarded by saints and Jesus statues. There are huge sparing churches everywhere that have statues of saints on top of their spires that stare down at you–warning you not to even Think of wearing clothes from WALMART. These statues are so high up you can see their “bullioni’s” under their knee high robes. This leads me to believe these saints, and possibly Jesus…were gay. I dont want to stereotype, but how else would straight men learn to look hot. Here in Milan, almost every guy on the street seems sexy. If they didnt leave the house well dressed and oozing with man-mojo..they would probably be sent to hell by the gay saints that guard the city from badly dressed infiltrators and other human abominations.
As for the architechture…just stare at the buildings and you’ll know that a lot of people worked their ass off. Right now, the Duomo…a massive church made entirely out of granite and marble is being scrubbed clean. Over the Centuries, it turned black from car exhaust emissions. If car emissions can turn a white church black, you can imagine what breathing in carbon particles all your life does to your lungs. No one seems to be concerned about that apparently.  I snapped a shitload of photos of the Duomo…and you can see some of the dirty parts and some that they scrubbed clean. Too bad there’s no way to scrub your lungs…but at least the gay saints that watch over Milan are keeping everyone and everything looking fabulous.

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