How to Get Your Ass through Malpensa Airport

Linate Airport is the best place to land in Milan because it’s close to the city and it”s easy to navigate. But a lot of the time you”ll end up at Malpensa , which is about 25 miles from Milan and potentially a pain the ass to navigate if your not a millionaire who has a private servant waiting at the gate to escort you to the restroom and all points beyond. Make sure you have some cash (Euros) or you get some from an international bank ATM in the airport before you exit.

Most likely you”ll be arriving in terminal 2. After you follow the exit / uscita signs down a long trek of hallways and “people walkers” you”ll reach the customs area where you”ll get your passport stamped and possibly sneered at —-depending on what country you’re arriving from and who it’s leader is. Ignore the sneer, the agent just might be having a bad case of gas and holding his farts in as he stares at your passport.

The airport exit doors to the outside world are numbered . You will need to know what number door to exit, depending on weather you’re getting a real car, taking a taxi or jumping on the shuttle bus to Milano Centrale Train Station. If you’re spending some time in Milan or taking a train to other cities —the best way to get the hell out of there is take a shuttle bus to Milano Centrale train Station. The cost is 10 euros per person ( at the of this post) and a very comfortable ride.

How to find the bus: Once you exit to the main arrival area where the luggage carousels are , look for the information booth and ask which exit number the bus to Milano Centrale Train Station can be found. The airport exit doors are numbered , and once you know which door to exit, life gets a whole lot better.

In terminal 2 you get the shuttle bus on the main level outside. Exit through door 4 or 5. A row of giant buses are parked outside across the street waiting to load you in. You can buy the ticket from the driver with cash. It’s usually a guy standing in front of the bus with a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth You have to haul your luggage into the storage area below the bus. If it’s full, walk around to the other side of the bus where there are more compartments.

The ride is about 50 minutes to the train station. When you arrive there, you can plop down at one if the many cafes along the curb, and figure out how you want to get where you’re going next. There’s a huge line of white taxi cabs there that will charge exorbitant fees to drive you to your hotel , but who cares … just pay the cash so you can crash —and get caught up on some sleep. Or, if you’re taking a train to another city, you”ll have to find the restroom, empty your guts then find out which track your train will be on. The restroom costs 1 euro, and they don’t take Apple Pay credit cards or desperate requests to pee for free. The restroom is on the first floor between the ground floor and the 2nd floor where the trains depart from. Please remember that the ground floor in Italy is called “0” . Yes –floor zero, people. And to get to the first floor you have to go up one floor . That’s one if the many mind-fucks you”ll be constantly forgetting for the entire trip. You’ll eventually get it , most likely when it”s time to go back home.., where the first floor is called “number 1” , not zero,

After your trip is over, when you’re going home, I recommend staying at a nearby hotel where a shuttle bus can drive you to the airport terminal.

If you’re staying at a hotel near the airport when you arrive, just note that there are no big clearly marked signs that say “shuttle bus” so you”ll have to pay close attention. You might see a bunch of lost – looking people standing around with suitcases, but if they’re not in a flight crew uniform they won’t know much . In fact, most people you ask for directions around the airport will tell you different answers and often the wrong answer — or they”ll give you directions in Italian, which you won’t understand if you’re an English only speaking idiot like me. .

If you scan the ground you might see the words ” Hotel Shuttle” painted on the road . Not an obvious place, but it’s not a huge airport, and hopefully the lady at the information booth can tell you which door number you”ll need to find . If you start getting stressed, don’t worry … eventually all doors in Italy lead to a great meal and the best place to escape from your current reality.

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